jaded.

It’s been almost a year since my last post on Tumblr, which, funnily enough, was about 2015 goals. I guess I was too busy trying to accomplish those goals to keep posting on Tumblr…haha.

This post is going to be about my 2016 goals, so I suppose it’s only fair to give an update (for whoever even reads this anymore) on my 2015 goals:

1. Travel to Europe. Done. :) Since I switched jobs last month, I had some time off between jobs, and took the opportunity to travel to a few European cities on my own. It was the first time that I was truly traveling alone, so the whole experience started off a bit intimidating, but I’m glad I took the chance and forced myself out of my comfort zone for a bit.
2. Do something fun for my birthday weekend (or multiple weekends). I’ve gotta say, I did really well on this one! I went to Miami with a few close girlfriends on my actual birthday weekend (and bought a table at LIV to see Porter Robinson!), then threw a party at Capitale in DC! My liver hated me for it.
3. Learn a new practical skill. 
4. Keep up with “book club” with Nathan.
5. Work on a photography project.
6. Volunteer more. I not only continued with the iMentor program, I also started a philanthropic committee at my old firm, and started volunteering with New York Cares!
7. Get mo’ moneys. I got a raise at my old job, but my new job also gave me a pretty sweet raise. Hehe.
8. Not allow myself to give 200%+ when the other person is only giving 50%. Quit my previous job, where I was putting in way too much effort for too little reward. Took me a lot of time to realize it was time to go…but I finally did it.

I’m thinking that next year’s goals will be:

1. See a few more European cities, preferably with some friends this time!
   
2. Go hiking in Denver (since one of our offices is there).
3. Brush up on my Spanish, to at least an intermediate conversational level.
4. Continue volunteering.
5. Be recognized for doing something great at work.
6. Lift more, hit some PRs, and get more fit.
7. Work on a photography project.
8. Learn a new practical skill.

1. Travel to Europe.
2. Do something fun for my birthday weekend (or multiple weekends).
3. Learn a new practical skill.
4. Keep up with “book club” with Nathan.
5. Work on a photography project.
6. Volunteer more.
7. Get mo’ moneys.
8. Not allow myself to give 200%+ when the other person is only giving 50%.

Always falling into the trap of caring too much about someone who doesn’t care enough about me.

Happiness can be hard to acquire when you constantly question what you’re looking for.

I am so, so sick of your fake generosity. Growing up, you chose to throw gifts at me all the time, and you expected me to love you more in return; you never learned that I appreciate people for what they do for me and not what they give me. You always act like you’re doing so much for me, when I have very rarely, if ever, asked you for any favors. The few times that I have, for the most part you refused to help me, even though you claim to be such a generous person and that you’ve helped me out so much. No, you haven’t, you never have and I don’t expect that you ever will.

Today was the perfect example of how truly selfish you are. I asked you for a favor that I ended up not needing last minute, and I’m sorry that I forgot to relay that information to you until tonight, but you had no right to be angry with me. You had no right to tell mom that I was treating you like some sort of servant, because when have I ever demanded anything of you? If anything, I have learned not to expect you to help me, because 99% of the time you don’t pull through for me anyway. There’s always some reason for you to not help me, either because it’s something I can figure out myself or you don’t have time or it’s simply too inconvenient for you.

We’re supposed to be family, we should be willing to stick our necks out for each other, and I swear you and mom never stop preaching that shit to us, but your words are such bullshit. You say that you can’t take my word for anything, but you know what? You are the last person to talk. The reason why I never come through for you is because you have never come through for me, and I see no reason to try that hard for someone who fakes how much effort she puts into our relationship.

If you were a friend, I would have already cut you out of my life. But unfortunately, you’re my family. It just sucks that you have never truly been an older sister to me, yet you try to guilt trip me all the time and you use mom as a pawn against me as if you deserve the love that I’m not willing to give you. Stop, just stop.

It’s no wonder your children are the way they are. You’re a very few years shy of 40; why can’t you grow up?